When Epic Musical Characters Meet
by Caelia di Mekio
Summary: Characters from the two greatest Broadway shows ever get locked in a room with each other. Read as the madness unfolds!
1. Test Run: Meg Giry and Mimi Marquez

**Disclaimer**: I do not, unfortunately, own any of the characters in Rent or PotO. Whatever Lila Caffee may say, this is _not_ based on her Phantom Interviews, though she and our friend LEXIRENT97, aka Maddie and Lexi, from my Percy Jackson FanFic, will be making occasional guest appearances. Let me explain how this is going to work. We will be pulling two characters, one from PotO and one from Rent. Once their transfer has been assessed as safe by my companions, we will be locking the two of them in an empty room, and watch what ensues. You can't send questions but you can request that two certain characters be put togther. We're going to start off slowly, and use Mimi Marquez and Meg Giry. BTW, they can understand each other b/c I outfitted the Phantom characters with a translator. And here we go. Curtain up.

* * *

Meg (Getting dropped in by my two evil brothers, b/c they think it's me): Ooof! (lands in the room on her butt) What on earth... Where am I? Christine? Mother? Monsieur Reyer? Hello?

Mimi (Getting dropped by Lexi's brother, b/c he thinks she's sexy): Hey! (Lands nimbly on her stiletto boot heels). Shit!

Meg: Excuse me?

Mimi: Gah! Who the hell are you?

Meg: I'm Meg Giry. I'm one of the ballerinas at the Opera Populaire in Paris. Who are you?

Mimi: I'm Mimi Marquez. I'm a dancer at the Cat Scratch Club in New York City. Do you know where we are?

Meg: No. The last thing I remember I was helping my friend Christine practice our dancing from Hannibal. We're debuting the production soon. And you, Mimi?

Mimi: I was sprucing up to hit on the hot guitar player who lives above my apartment. His name's Roger. I met him earlier tonight when I needed a match to light a candle.

Meg: Don't you have gas lamps? We just got them installed. Monsieur Leferve is so proud to be so advanced in technology.

Mimi: You call that advanced? What year are you from?

Meg: 1870. What do you expect?

Mimi: Um... 1989! Because that's the year it is! Damn, French people are stupid. Unless you're one of those morons from Paris, Texas.

Meg: I beg your pardon? I am not the one wearing a man's electric blue pants and an immodest blouse!

Mimi: Well, you're dressed in a summer dress in the middle of winter!

Meg: It's my practice outfit! I'm surprised you were able to get work dressed so sloppily!

Mimi: Sloppily? This is what sells where I'm from! In New York, guys want their dancers sexy and in spandex!

Meg: Well, in Paris, women are decently covered! Christine has no problem... never mind.

Mimi: What? Tell me.

Meg: I can't. Maman said I can't.

Mimi: Maman? You mean your _mother_? Seriously? It's so liberating to be free of that crap. I ditched my mom when I was, like, fifteen, and got some work. Ooh, you wouldn't believe the guys I meet at work. They scr-

******CENSORING******

Meg: Is everyone in your home that...profane?

Mimi: Oh, no, there are people who are worse. But I gotta say, being so in demand came with the prices of AIDS.

Meg: Wouldn't getting aid be a good thing?

Mimi: Not aid, as in help! AIDS! The Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome! Now I know where dumb blondes come from.

Meg: Oooh, you... you...you tart! How dare you! I know more than some people do! You probably couldn't do a pas de bourrée if your life depended on it!

Mimi: I wouldn't need to. My audience loves me the second they see my ass.

Meg (sighing): I don't know who is denser, you or Christine.

Miimi: So, what exactly is the deal with this Christine girl you keep talking about?

Meg: Christine is my best friend. We've lived in the opera dormitories together ever since her father died. Lately, she's been going into the diva's dressing room at night. I asked her why, and she said she was getting voice lessons.

Mimi: From the diva?

Meg: No! That's what's odd. And she won't say anything else. I had to ask Maman for the rest of the story.

Mimi: And... what was it?

Meg: Christine's lessons are coming from Erik, a disfigured musical genius who lives under the Opera House. Maman said he gives her lessons because he hates Signora Giudicielli's singing-

Mimi: Wait... Who?

Meg: Our diva. Most know her as La Carlotta. She's really past her prime, but everyone knows who she is, and Monsieur Leferve can't afford to lose her. So, we keep her. Erik hates her, and he thinks Christine's superior. That's not all of it, though. He loves her.

Mimi: Can you introduce me?

Meg: To Erik? Mimi, didn't you hear what I just said?

Mimi: Um, duh! I meant Christine, you over-evolved Golden Retriever! (Yanks Meg's hair)

Meg: Prostitute!

Mimi: Dumb blonde!

Meg: Oooh, you bitch! I'll get you for that!

*****CATFIGHT! Play-by-play*****

**Me: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome! This is gonna be intense. Ooh, Meg just got Mimi with an arabesque to the chest! Mimi's countering with a double eye-poke! That had to hurt! Ooh, they're wrestling on the floor! Mimi's got Meg in a headlock! This could be it ... no, no! Meg's got her pinned! Uh-oh, they've both got their hands on each other's throats. Ladies, ladies, let's call it a draw! Security! **(Enter several guards and police officers from both shows. They separate the girls, then vanish)

Meg (rubbing her throat): Owww. Maman won't be pleased with me. Well-bred young ladies do not behave so violently and disgracefully.

Mimi: Would you shut up about your mother? Don't you have a life?

Meg: I'm alive, yes?

Mimi: That's not the same! Don't you know how to have a good time? Go out and dance at a club with a few friends?

Meg: You mean a bistro? Ugh, no! Those are vulgar! What's more, they're a breeding ground for filles de joie like you.

Mimi: What did you call me?

Meg: Just another term for those who sell themselves out for a few coins.

Mimi: So you're not as sweet and naïve as you act.

Meg: Do you honestly think I'd call you a prostitute if I didn't know what it meant?

Mimi: I don't know. French girls are weird!

Meg: There are a few uncharitable things I could say about the Spanish.

Mimi: I'm Mexican.

Meg: Oh. Mexico... Mexico... that's the country underneath America, isn't it?

Mimi: Well, maybe you're not as dumb as I thought.

Meg: Can we please move beyond the insults to my intelligence?

Mimi: I don't know, can we?

Meg: You're the one who insulted me.

Mimi: We're obviously getting nowhere.

Meg: Does it show?

Mimi: Aaagh! Someone get me outta here, dammit!

Meg: There we go again with the swearing.

Mimi: Look, I'm not used to being around prudes!

Meg: A time and place for everything, my dear. I can be flirtatious, but at appropriate times. It's Carlotta who has no understanding of decency! I swear, the only way to make her dress sensibly would be to outlaw the display of cleavage entirely.

Mimi: Then remind me never to go to France.

Meg: I don't think you could afford it.

Mimi: How could you tell I'm practically broke?

Meg: The clothes.

Mimi: I hate you.

Meg: And I you. I see no reason to speak with you further. (Ten hours of silence ensue)

Me (on a mic): Girls?

Both: AGH!

Meg: Mon Dieu! Am I hearing an angel? Am I going crazy?

Mimi: Not unless we both are, cuz I heard it too.

Me: Neither of you are crazy. It's time to go home.

Mimi: Are you the one who stuck us in this rat-hole excuse for a room.

Me: I admit it's a little rundown, but a rat-hole?

Meg: Perhaps that is an exaggeration. But still, naturally, we are rather upset. You've kidnapped us, stuck us in here with no explanation.

Me: You'd never believe me if I did explain. Trust me.

Mimi: Why should we trust a kidnapper? And, by the way, I'm straight, so take Little Blonde Dud over there.

Me: Gah! I don't want either of you that way! I just wanted to see if you'd connect. Obviously not. But you've been very helpful.

Meg: So are you letting us go home?

Me: Yes, I am, Meg. Close your eyes, girls. Lila, cue the music.

Lila: If it weren't for the fact that you're giving me alone time with Erik, I'd be punjabbing you right now.

Me: Save it for the Love Without Sight disclaimers.

Lila: Fine. (The second good-bye from **25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee **comes out of the speakers. Mimi and Meg are escorted out to have their memories wiped and be returned to their worlds)

Me: And that concludes our first session. I hope you all enjoyed that. Please review and request combos! See you next time!


	2. Maureen, Carlotta and Miri?

Me: Hola, como estan? (Wait 4 response.) While I only got 3 reviews for Chapter 1, I think this is going quite well. And in the spirit of all things dramatic, as per a request from my BFFFL, Lexi, we're going to welcome 2 divas into the room today: Maureen Johnson-

Awesome Lesbo _RENT_ FanGirls: Whooohoooooo!

Me: And Carlotta Giudicelli.

Phans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Miri: Kill 'er!

Me: Miri! What are you doing?

Miri: We made a deal, remember?

Me: Oh, yeah, that. Look, don't kill her, okay? I had to pay Piangi, Firmin AND Andre like 20,000 francs just to get her for a short time. And no big mutilations. She needs to look the same as she did when I rented her, and I don't have-

Mme. Pomfrey: Miss Miri, I'm here.

Me: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET MADAME POMFREY TO COME?

Miri: The Imperious curse.

Me: You're joking.

Miri: Nope.

Me: Okay, fine, you win! Lexi?

Lexi: Sorry, babes. (Pushes Maureen in)

Me: Li?

Lila: I love this part. (Pushes Carlotta in)

Me: Let it begin.

(Maureen and Carlotta regain consciousness)

Maureen: Uggggh. My head...Pookie? You there, sweetie?

Carlotta: Ubaldo? Dove sono? Odio i rospi! Ho bisogno del mio cucciolo! (Where the hell am I? I hate toads! I need my puppy!)

_Me (from the booth): Why did we bring her in the Il Muto costume?_

_Lila: It's funny._

_Me: Rewthave._

_ALL: HUH?_

_Me: Jumbled 'whatever.' Back to the room._

Maureen: Brava. I haven't heard shrieking that loud since Roger's last tune up.

Carlotta: Cosa?

Maureen: English, please, hottie?

_ALL: EEEEEWWWW._

Carlotta: Get-a back!

Maureen: Jeez, you're even touchier than Pookie.

Carlotta: Pookie? What-a are-a you a-talking about-a?

Maureen: Okay, I haven't heard such a lame Italian accent since Mark tried to play Othello.

Carlotta: Otello.

Maureen: Same thing.

Carlotta:_ (More Italian gibberish I don't want to translate)_

Maureen: Shut up. Or will I have to make you by _(cringes)_ making out with you?

_Miri: Can I go now?_

_Me: Sure. But no Punjabs__

_Miri: Awwwww._

_Me: No lethal poison__

_Miri: But…._

_Me: Nothing Mme. Pomfrey can't fix, okay? _

_Miri: Fine. (Drops into the room) _Hi. _(Carlotta faints from shock)_

Maureen: Hi. Um, did you just come through the ceiling?

Miri: Um, yeah. I'm Miri.

Maureen: Maureen Johnson.

Miri: Oh, I know. I am a huge fan.

Maureen: Really?

Miri: Yep. Was she annoying you?

Maureen: Yep.

Miri: Wanna help me beat her up?

Maureen: Oh, God, yes!

_**Me (PLAY BY PLAY MODE): And, they've begun! So, Miri's starting out with a round of bitch-slaps, and Maureen's doing the knuckles-to-the-sternum thing that you use to wake up an unconscious person. (Carlotta screams) Ah, it worked. Now, Miri's given Maureen a Swiss Army knife for stabbing, while she sticks bamboo splinters under Carlotta's nails.**_

_**PHANS: YAAAAAY!**_

_**Me: Obviously, the Phans are loving this. So, Miri's got a chainsaw that she's using to sever Carlotta's arm. Maureen's pulling a Julian Sands and scratching the boobs.**_

Miri: Ha! They're fake! I knew it!

_**Me: Why am I not surprised? Ooh, now Maureen's jumping on Carlotta's stomach in stiletto boots! And that's enough! Madame Pomfrey's taking out Carlotta and all her body parts.**_

Miri: So, would you mind giving me a demo of your performance on Christmas Eve?

Maureen: No problem. Care to do my backup? It's pretty simple.

Miri: I know it.

Maureen: Wow. You sure?

Miri: Uh-huh.

Maureen: Cool. Let's do it! _(Several repeats of Over The Moon later)_

ALL PHANS/FANS: WOOO-HOO! YEAH! Etc.

Miri: That was awesome!

Maureen: Thanks.

Lexi _(breaks free of Lila's grip, plunges into the room, and kisses Maureen fully of the lips): _Wheeeeeeeee!

Me: Oooh, get a picture! We can totally blackmail her with this.

Lila: Awesome.

Me (on PA): Brava, all. Maureen, it's time to go home. Joanne misess her honeybear.

Maureen: Pookie needs me?

Me: Yep. Unfortunately, we can't allow you to remember anything that's happened in here. So, we're going to have to erase your memory, and send you back, okay?

Maureen: Yes, yes, fine! Just get me back!

Me: Miri?

Miri _(Pulls out Hermione's wand)_: _Obliviate!_ _(Maureen goes dizzy-eyed and is escorted out.)_

Me: Well, I know that was a short chapter, but we had fun, right?

ALL: RIGHT!

Me: Phantastic. Well, send in requests for pairings, and I'll get busy!


	3. Erik slash Roger: Literally

_Me: Jeez, it's been a while, hasn't it?_

_PhanGirls: Too long._

_Me: Uhhh… yeah, so to avoid death by Punjab Lasso and trampling, it's time for a special treat. Unfortunately, no one gets to enter the room this time._

_Everyone: Awwwww…._

_Me: I haven't even told you who it is yet._

_Miri: Stop making us wait! Tell! Tell! *Waves a Punjab at me*_

_Me: Okay, okay, jeez! It's….Erik and Roger!_

_A HELL OF A LOT FANGIRLY SCREAMING_

_Me: Let's begin. Lila?_

_Lila: Do I have to stop patting him down? He's so...amazing! And his dick i—_

_Me: TMI! TMI! *Tapes Maddie's mouth shut* Lexi, please, tell me you're not—_

_Lexi: Floppy hair! Floppy and soft and rugged and adorable—_

_Me: Phew. Guys, you can have your playtime with them later. We need to do the chapter right now._

_XxXxX_

(Erik is gently let in with his organ, Roger likewise with his guitar. Neither of them pays much attention to each other.)

Roger: I'm writing one great song before I… *plays Musetta's theme*

Erik: *Turns away from Don Juan sarcastically* You're Puccini? I'd have expected you to look different.

Roger: It's just what I play when I can't think of anything else. But don't you think that was a little rude? Usually, only Mark says that kind of that thing to.

Erik: I don't like being interrupted with other people's works when I'm trying to compose. My apologies.

Roger: I'm Roger. *Puts down his guitar and offers his hand*

Erik: My name is Erik. *Shakes Roger's hand* So, you're a composer as well?

Roger: Well, yeah… I haven't played for six months… I haven't really done anything for six months.

Erik: Is that so? Why?

Roger: My girlfriend and I… we got AIDS, and she slit her wrists. I've spent the last half a year in withdrawal… trying to get off drugs.

Erik: She died?

Roger: Yeah…*Puts his head in his hands, going into sulky-emo mode*

Erik: Think yourself lucky.

Roger: Aw, man, what happened to you?

Erik: I gave her everything… and she hates me. She chose him… she hates me… she hates me… all because of this! *Points at his mask.*

Roger: Dude, I'd have to be psychic to understand what you're saying. Start at the beginning. What does the mask have to do with it? *Erik pulls off the mask* HOLY SHIT!

Erik: Magnifique. *pulls out his lasso.* I'm going to have to kill you now, aren't I?

Roger: *Pulling up his hands 'under arrest' style* Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not scared, man, just shocked. I mean, your face looks as screwed up as I've felt for the past six months.

Erik: *Replaces the mask* I see. Perhaps I did overreact… but the last time I exposed my face, she screamed.

Roger: I'm guessing this is the same girl you gave everything?

Erik: Yes… Christine. I taught her, orchestrated her debut… but I never let her see me.

Roger: Why not? *Erik jabs a finger at his mask* Oh, right. Damn, that must've sucked. So, what, she walked in on you when you were asleep, or something, and freaked out? *Erik gives him a look of disgust/embarrassment.*

Erik: Er… promise not to judge me? *Roger nods* I… well, you might say I seduced her with my voice, took her to my home—

Roger: On a first date? Isn't that a little forward?

Miri: *Poking her head in* Honey, he hasn't even gotten to the part where he showed her the mannequin of her in a wedding dress and veil, and she fainted. *Lila and I pull her back in before Erik can Punjab her.*

Roger: Who the hell was that?

Erik: How did that little menace find me?

Roger: You know her? Is that Christine?

Erik: Oh, how I wish it were, but no. That little pest goes by the name of Mirifaery and she has been indulging in the most disgusting form of torture I have ever encountered.

_Miri (from the booth): I thought everyone likes POTO on Facebook!_

_Me: We do, but it seems Erik's getting tired of it, Miri. Maybe we should scale back for the LND rant._

_Miri: Then you can stop making out with Dance Erik._

_Me: Fine. I'll take Ramin Erik, then._

_Everyone else: WHAT? *I stamp WHEN NOT WITH HIS WIFE, PROPERTY OF CAELIA DI MEKIO on Ramin's ass*_

_Ramin: Um, ow!_

_Me: Sorry._

_Lila: I'm gonna kill you._

_Me: Aaaaand refocus._

_Erik: *Glares at the spot where Miri popped out* Yes, all right?_

Roger: Well, that is kind of getting ahead of yourself.

Erik: I can't do anything about Miri, but I have no problem disposing of you. Don't test me, Roger.

Roger: Poor baby!

Erik: Anyway, the next morning, she snuck up on me while I was composing, and removed my mask. I'm sure you realize how I reacted.

Roger: Yeah… you sound like you have anger management issues. Have you ever considered seeing someone about it?"

Erik: *Grabs Roger by the throat* I LIVE UNDER A GODDAMN OPERA HOUSE! DO YOU THINK I CAN JUST WALK OUT ON THE STREETS, AND ASK SOMEONE ABOUT MANAGING MY ANGER? GET A GRIP ON REALITY! EVERYONE IN PARIS HATES AND FEARS ME!

Roger: Um…. Choking …. Not… breathing…. *Erik lets him go* See? This is what I meant. Even Maureen's mood swings aren't this violent. *Hands him the guitar* Here. Music always helps, right?

Erik: *Waves away the guitar* I don't know how to play that thing.

Roger: Suit yourself. *starts playing One Song Glory.* One song glory… … One song… Before I go… Glory… One song to leave behind… Find one song… One last refrain… Glory… From the pretty boy front man… Who wasted opportunity… One song… He had the world at his feet… Glory… In the eyes of a young girl… A young girl… Find glory… Beyond the cheap colored lights… One song… Before the sun sets… Glory - on another empty life… Time flies - time dies… Glory - One blaze of glory… One blaze of glory - glory… Find… Glory… In a song that rings true… Truth like a blazing fire… An eternal flame… Find… One song… A song about love… Glory… From the soul of a young man… A young man… Find… The one song… Before the virus takes hold… Glory… Like a sunset… One song… To redeem this empty life… Time flies… And then - no need to endure anymore… Time dies…

RENT/Adam Pascal fans: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Erik: Impressive. What makes you think you need to write a song beyond that?

Roger: You liked that?

Erik: Very evocative. Magnificent. It seemed a little…. Different from my taste, but I enjoyed it all the same.

Roger: So, what are you are working on? *Reaches for the organ*

Erik: DON'T TOUCH MY PRECIOUS!

Roger: Yeesh. You're worse than Mark and his camera.

Erik: I have no idea who Mark is. But no one. Touches. The. Organ. Without. My. Permission. No. One.

Roger: Fine, fine! Just stop it with the evil eye. *Erik plays out Don Juan Triumphant. 5 minutes of silence.* That's yours…?

Erik: Yes, of course.

Roger: You ripped off the new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

Erik: What?

Roger: It's that new show… the one with Michael Crawford, and Sarah Brightman… based on that old French novel, Phantom of the Opera.

Erik: LEROUX! *Whips out the Punjab again* HE'S GOING DOWN!

Me: Girls! Restrain Erik! *Phans start glomping/hugging/kissing Erik*

Erik: Roger, help me! *Roger is busy trying to reclaim his guitar from Lexi*

Roger: I'm a little busy! Let go, you little menace!

Lexi: NEV-VAR!

Me: SOMEONE, GET THE GODDAMNED SECURITY IN HERE!

*A whole lot later*

Erik: I used to dream of being kissed by a woman… but that… those little terrors!

Roger: No shit. They can go all out. I think it's part of PMS. It makes me jealous of Collins, lucky gay bastard.

Erik: I know lesbianism is in vogue, but I wasn't aware of male homosexuality being accepted.

Roger: It's not. Collins has gotten kicked out of, like, a dozen jobs. Makes me curious why he always admits it.

_*FROM THE BOOTH*_

_Me: Miri! Do it now!_

_Miri: Imperio! *Erik starts moving in and kisses Roger*_

_YAOI PHANS: YESSSSSS! YESSSSSS! YESSSSSS!_

_*Roger is freaking out a bit, but then gets used to it, and starts going at it just as ardently. Everyone is getting hyped up on the awesomeness. Miri removes the spell, but Erik and Roger don't stop sucking face.*_

_Me: Should we stop them?_

_Lexi: YES! ROGER IS MIIIIINE!_

_Lila: Hmmm…._

_Lila + Miri: Nah._

_EmiShae: Why should we?_

_My RP friends: Don't stop!_

_Cast of Glee: Believin'! Hold onto that feeling!_

_Kurt: Can I go next? If they're gay, and have awesome voices, I want a shot at both!_

_Me: Kurt: one, no. Two, this is a Glee-free zone. Three, if you want to hook up with them, just be aware, they're both straight in canon, and they both have love interests already._

_Kurt: Awwww…_

_Me: Gleeks, please escort your fandom victims out of the booth. *Glee cast leaves* Yeah, we'll wait it out._

_*Another very long stretch of time that involves things beyond the authoress's current abilities: Sex, anal sex, oral sex, etc.*_

Roger: Oh… that's why.

_Me: I think I am potentially scarred for life. Hmmmmm….Hey, is that Christine?_

Erik: *Trying to get dressed as fast as he can* Oh, no! Oh, damn it, she cannot know about this!

Me: Roger, you need to take your AZT. *Roger does so* And please, put your clothes back on.

Erik: I'm guessing you're the one responsible for this?

Me: Chill, you won't remember anything once you leave this room. You will once again be straight, angsty musicians. Erik will get his virginity back—*Erik blushes* —and will not have AIDS. *To the girls* Of course, I do have this all on tape for our viewing pleasure. Now, it's time to say goodbye.

* * *

Next time, since Maxniss Everide was the first to get my contest in The Phantom Bride, we'll be seeing Mark Cohen and Christine Daae.


	4. Christine and Mark

_Lexi: What are we going to do today, Cae?_  
_Me: The same thing we do every day, Lexi. Screw up the lives of our fandoms!_  
_Lila: That was a fail Pinky and the Brain reference._  
_Me: Did anyone ask you?_  
_Lila: No. But that doesn't matter._  
_Me: I want a restraining order._  
_Lila: I will swallow your soul._  
_Me: ATHEIST!_  
_Lila: Tell someone who cares._  
_Me: Is Christine screened?_  
_Lila: Yeah, and the only thing dangerous on her is that really awkward looking corset._  
_Lexi: Mark's scarf….._  
_Me: Oh, of course. How could I forget? Lexi has a scarf fetish. Lila has a mask fetish. I have a Ramin fetish. And mine gets the best results._  
_Lila: DOES NOT!_  
_Me: (Draped over Chris from Miss Saigon, Ben from Bluebird, Marius, Enjolras, Erik AND Raoul) Does too! Anyway, a while back, I gave a pairing choice to Maxniss Everide, who requested Christine Daae and Mark Cohen, since Erik and Roger were already such a hot commodity. Without further ado, here is what she was promised._  
XxXxX  
(Christine is sleeping, since I took her right after Erik removed her stockings… heh-heh-heh…. Mark gets let in.)  
Mark: Whoa. *Goes for his camera* Zoom in on the gorgeous brunette I'm in here with. Don't know her name, whether or not she has a boyfriend, or if she even likes guys like me. Knowing my luck, the answers to the second two questions are yes, then no.  
Christine: Uhh…*Pulls her head up slowly, sees Mark's camera and screams* WHAT IS THAT THING?  
Mark: *Jumps back* Oh, sorry. I get it, camera-shy.  
Christine: That does not look like a camera.  
Mark: Oh, sure, rub it in my face that I use an old model.  
Christine: I'm not. I've just never seen a camera like that one.  
Mark: Oh… You okay? Need a hand? *Offers her his hand*  
Christine: Thank you. *Lets him help her stand*  
Mark: You have a name? Mine's Mark. Mark Cohen.  
Christine: My name is Christine Daae.  
Mark: Christine…. That's a pretty name.  
Christine: *blushes* Thank you. *Awkward silence* Do you know where we are?  
Mark: Well, I know it's not the Eleventh Street Lot. Or my apartment.  
Christine: And we're not in the grotto beneath the Paris Opera. *Mark gives her a weird look. The translator short-circuits for a moment* Quoi? Queest-ce que j'ai dit? Y a-t-il un homme masqué étrangement attirant derrière moi? (What? What did I say? Is there a strangely attractive masked man behind me?)  
Mark: English, please?  
Me: Gaaaaaah! *Fixes the translator*  
Christine: Please, please say there isn't a masked man behind me!  
Mark: *Confused* There isn't.  
Christine: Oh, good. Then I can still act like last night was a dream.  
Mark: I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.  
Christine: I don't either.  
Mark: Oh, wow. That's a little scary.  
Christine: You don't know the half of it.  
Mark: *Examines his footage* Wow. The camera loves you.  
Christine: It does?  
Mark: Lemme do a sound check.  
Christine: A what?  
Mark: *turning the camera on* Do something you're good at, something that involves your voice.  
Christine: Singing?  
Mark: Sure. That works.  
Christine: Uh…. Alright. Wait, do I get accompaniment?  
Miri: Prima donna.  
Me: Just hit the damn play button.  
Miri: Fine: *Think of Me starts playing and Christine starts singing along*  
Mark: *to himself* That was oddly convenient. *Starts getting sucked into Christine's performance* Whoa… *Christine finishes, and Mark faints*  
Christine: Er…. Mark…. Are you alright? You're…. You're drooling. *Bends down over him*  
Mark: Whoa….  
Christine: Mark? *Looks down and realizes he can see her chest* Oh…. Well, this is rather awkward. I forgot I'm still in my chemise and robe.  
Me: Someone, get her some actual clothes.  
Lexi: But we likes seeing Marky in the awkward situations…  
Me: LEXI!  
Lila: Fine. I'll do it. *Christine gets her Twisted Every Way outfit*  
Christine: Ah…. Much better.  
Mark: Mom…. Mom… I saw heaven….  
Christine: Mark? I'm right here.  
Mark: Um… sorry.  
Christine: Actually, it's rather adorable in a way.  
Mark: Really?  
Christine: Yes. I mean, I'm used to men who are very suave and charming and-  
Mark: And I'm not? *Puppy dog face*  
Christine: Er… well, no, I didn't mean it like that! I mean… it's nice to talk to someone who isn't polished aristocracy.  
Mark: Really?  
Christine: Yes.  
Mark: Marry me.  
Christine: Huh?  
Mark: Nothing.  
Christine: Well… alright.  
Mark: Do you have a boyfriend?  
Christine: I beg your pardon?  
Mark: Okay, maybe a girlfriend. My ex has one now, but still.  
Christine: Your girlfriend is a lesbian?  
Mark: Sad, but true.  
Christine: That is her loss, Monsieur.  
Mark: *puppy dog eyes* Really?  
Christine: Mmm-hmmm! My friend Meg would adore someone as sweet as you.  
Mark: *slightly disappointed* Oh… what, I'm not your type?  
Christine: Oh, Mark, you're blushing!  
Mark: Am not!  
Christine: Yes, you are!  
Mark: That's a lie!  
Christine: I'm sorry…  
Mark: Aw, no, don't cry! Come on!  
Christine: *bawls* I h-hurt your feelings!  
Mark: Christine, please, stop! Aw, God, what am I supposed to do?  
Christine: Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!  
Mark: Look, I can't hear myself think with you going on like that. Could you please stop? For me? *face palms* Wait, forget that last part.  
Christine: What for?  
Mark: Look, just forget it, okay?  
Christine: Mark, you needn't hide anything from me.  
Mark: I SAID FORGET IT!  
Christine: Eeep!  
Mark: Aw, crap, did I scare you?  
Christine: A little.  
Mark: I'm sorry.  
Christine: It's fine.  
*AWKWARD SILENCE*  
Mark: You wanna make out?  
Christine: Huh?  
Mark: Are you serious? You don't know what making out is?  
Christine: *naïve blinking*  
Mark: Okay, it's like this. *starts sucking face with her*  
Christine: Mmmph! *Deer in the headlights buggy eyes*  
Mark: *pulls away* Sorry! *Christine slaps him* Hey! Was that necessary?  
Christine: NEVER apologize after kissing a girl. You hear me? It's the one way to guarantee she never talks to you again. No girl wants to hear an apology, it makes her insecure and furious, because it feels like you didn't want to kiss her.  
Mark: You're not mad that I kissed you?  
Christine: Well, maybe a little.  
Mark: You've got a boyfriend, don't you?  
Christine: Well, not a boyfriend, exactly….  
Mark: Then what?  
Christine: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.  
Mark: Try me.  
Christine: Alright. *Speed talking* So, I've been getting lessons from the voice of someone who I thought was the Angel of Music, but now, I'm fairly certain he's actually the rumored Phantom of the Opera, which means I am in a whole lot of trouble, because he has a live-size model of me in a wedding dress and veil, but I have no idea what to do about that, and additionally, my old childhood sweetheart has shown up and I have no idea what I should do or feel, and on top of it all, I have no idea if anyone even knows I'm here!  
Mark: Um…. Come again?  
Christine: Oh, never mind!  
Mark: Uh… okay…  
*AWKWARD SILENCE*  
_-FROM THE BOOTH-_  
_Me: Okay, I think we've had enough._  
_Lexi: Noooo! More awkwards!_  
_Me: Ahem. I have the power here, seeing as it's my fic. *does some finger aerobics on the keyboard as Mark and Christine vanish for the usual exit drill* Now then, announcements. Lila, Lexi and I are now the members of Team Epik Phails. Look for us on YouTube, starting with Episode 1: "So Help Me, I'll burn it." Additionally, I have a separate channel where I've been doing fandubs. It's just my pen name, sans spaces: CaeliaDiMekio. Feedback is appreciated, but DO NOT FLAME ME. I mean it. That is not why I posted the videos._  
_Lila: Aw, is someone a sensitive wittle baby?_  
_Me: Shut up._  
_Lila: Wah-wah-wah, Christine._  
_Me: DIE!_  
_Lexi: Um, before they kill each other, please send in requests for combinations, and review! Huggles to all! *GENERAL SOUNDS OF CATFIGHT* Bye!_


	5. Madame Giry and Benny

_Me: Hey, all! New episode time!_

_Lexi: I hate this guy._

_Amy: Oh, come on! No one else was making requests!_

_Lila: Ugh, that accent!_

_Me: Oh, that reminds me! Miri, do we have the aspirin?_

_Miri: Awwww! I like Potterhead healing!_

_Me: So do I, given my new ivy wand from Ollivander's, but Benny and Mme. Giry are probably not going to enjoy it._

_Miri: *ELDER SWEAR*_

_Me: Enough of that. _Silencio! _*Miri's mouth keeps moving, but no sound comes out* Jeez, where was that when we had Carlotta?_

_Lexi: Um… still in the Ollivander's store?_

_Me: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I still can't believe Miranda Richardson is Rita Skeeter. At least her British accent is slightly better than 'zat 'orreeble Frensh accent._

_Lila: Just get on with it, slowpoke. You're boring me._

_Me: Hey, you're here by your own choice, more to irritate me than watch the insanity, but still._

_Lila: Whatever you say, Corset Girl._

_Me: Ugh, don't remind me. Beauty and the Beast was a costuming nightmare. Has anyone out there ever tried to sing a high C at full volume while wearing a tightly laced corset, at age 15? When the voice is not fully developed? It's one thing to do Christine's cadenzas, when you're, say, in your twenties and in a costume made specifically for such things. It's quite another to do it with the details I listed earlier in this mini-rant._

_Lila: Are you done?_

_Me: Yes._

_Lila: Good. Because I'm gonna emcee this one._

_Me: What? *Lila clubs me on the head*_

_Lila: C'mon, babes, let's get going._

_Lexi: Mimblewimble! All systems go! Go! Go!_

_Me: Lila….. Get away…._

_XxXxX_

*Enter Benny and Mme. Giry*

Benny: Allison? Allison? Damn it, why is there no signal here?

Mme: *raps him on the head with her cane* Language, sir!

Benny: Shit! What is your problem, lady?

Mme: My problem ees zat you have a vulgar tongue!

Benny: Or maybe you're just a prude! Jeez, even Allison's parents swear now and then!

Mme: Zat ees not ze point! Zat language ees not proper for ze well-bred gentleman!

Benny: Who asked you?

_XxXxX_

_Me: OmiRamin, are they seriously going to argue about language the whole time?_

_Lila: 'OmiRamin?' Seriously, Cae, just how desperate a Phan have you gotten to be?_

_Me: What's it to you? *huggles Ramin picture from an old fail music video she made*_

_Lila: You are pathetic._

_Me: You got me into it!_

_Lexi: Um, guys, Madame Giry just whacked Benny in the nuts with her cane! You're missing everything!_

_Amy: And Ramin is downright adorable, she's got every right to ship him!_

_Me: And think Mandy is the luckiest bitch in the world, with Sierra running a close second._

_Amy: Followed by Gina Beck, Robyn North, Leila Benn Harris, Katie Hall…_

_Me: Sarah Lark, whoever played his Kim when he was Chris in Miss Saigon, Samantha Barks for all that Éponine/Enjy fanfiction, Celia Graham…._

_Lila: You two are completely hopeless._

_Lexi: Ooh, Benny's gonna need stitches after that bashing! Why aren't you watching?_

_Me: Amy, did I ever send you that file I have of him doing One Song Glory? He makes the best Roger ever! Erik angst combined with Ramin rock._

_Amy: Oh, wow…. _

_Me: Are you counting down to the concert?_

_Amy: Of course!_

_Me & Amy: Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley!_

_Lila: SHUT UP!_

_Me & Amy: Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley!_

_Lila: Lexi, do something…_

_Lexi: They haven't listened to me the whole time! Not even when Madame Giry knocked Benny out cold and put him in a tutu!_

_Miri: *mouthing stuff, because the silence charm is still on her* Yeah… I didn't need to see that…._

_Lila: JUST MAKE THEM STOP!_

_Me & Amy: Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley!_

_Lila: Miri, get the wands!_

_Miri: *Yes, Ma'am!*_

_Lila: AVADA F****ING KEDAVRA, BITCHES!_

_Me & Amy: Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadley! Ramin! Sierra! Hadl….. *both die*_

_Lexi: Noooooooooooo! I heal u with preppiness!_

_Me: Lexi… you're joking…._

_Amy: Hey, it did work….._

_XxXxX_

_Disclaimer: Okay, Lexi's line 'mimblewimble' is an inside joke. Just forget it. Second, Lila is never going to take over this baby. Second, it's kind of hard to write for someone as boring as Benny… Sorry, EnjolrasAmy…. On the plus side, we got to cheer about the absolutely epik upcoming Phantom 25__th__ concert. Sierra as Christine, Ramin as Erik, and Hadley Fraser making his POTO debut as Raoul… everyone's happy. The E/C shippers, because Ramierra has great chemistry, the R/C shippers are happy because Hadley and Sierra are both incredibly talented, even if they've never worked together before. And the E/R shippers are happy because they get to enjoy the intensity of Ramin and Hadley, plus the implications that their little Enjolras/Grantaire bits give off in the 25__th__ Anniversary Les Mis concert. Trust me. It's mind boggling. Just take a look in my DeviantArt Gallery. You can't miss it. PhanGirl on! Byeeeeeee! Send pairing requests!_


	6. Raoul and Angel

_Me: Hello, lovies! __5Faces is our latest requester, asking__ for Raoul and Angel! This should be interesting… especially since Amy and I are done fangirling on here._

_Amy: We now reserve that for RP. But the concert was…._

_Me and Amy: OMIRAMIERRADLEY!_

_Me: Phantasic!_

_Amy: Glorious!_

_Me: Epik!_

_Amy: Sensational!_

_Me: Breathtaking!_

_Amy: Amazing!_

_Lila: *whacks us both on the head* Shut your pathetic fangirl mouths and just let them in. Lexi and I already scanned them._

_Me: Killjoy._

_Amy: Killian!_

_Me: Ohmy-_

_Lila: Don't you dare._

_Me: I hope a wrinkly old Joseph Buquet rapes you in your sleep._

XxXxX

Raoul: *wakes up first* Uhh….Christine?

Angel: *much less sleepy* Aw, poor baby! Are you lost?

Raoul: WHO ARE YOU?

Angel: I'm Angel. *eyes him* And you are pretty cute.

Raoul: I'm also engaged.

Angel: *pouting* I've got a boyfriend of my own, you know. You don't need to be so rude. *mutters* Or maybe you just need to get laid.

Raoul: What was that?

Angel: Nothing.

Raoul: You said something, I heard it!

Angel: Somebody's a touchy little fella. You are in need of some serious Prozac.

Raoul: Some what?

Angel: *eye roll* I almost prefer hanging out with Benny.

Raoul: Who?

Angel: No more questions, please. *takes out drumsticks and starts drumming*

Raoul: How do we get out of here?

Angel: Beats me. But then, I don't really give a shit.

Raoul: Oh, well, you're polite.

Angel: Name me five people in the alphabet city who can afford manners.

Raoul: The what?  
Angel: I said no more questions.

Raoul: I don't take orders from people like you.

Angel: People like me? Listen, buddy, I'm more of a man than you'll ever be and more of a woman than you'll ever get.

Raoul: Oh, please!

Angel: Deny it, I dare you! I dare you!

Raoul: Christine is far superior to you and-

Angel: *brandishing a drumstick* I'm warning you!

Raoul: And she actually looks good in women's clothing. *EPIC HEAD BASHING WITH DRUMSTICKS ENSUES* Ow! Hey! Stop! That hurts! Hey! Hey!

Angel: TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW, YOU LITTLE #&$(*^!*$#^(^!

Raoul: Mother of God, would you stop spewing profanities.

Angel: *&%&#%$*&#$(%&%^$^&!$#(!^$!

Raoul: Maman…*goes into a corner, sucking his thumb*

Angel: Oh, my motherfucking God….

Raoul: I wanna go home.

Angel: That makes two of us.

_Me: WHY ARE THEY SO BORING? That's it, I'm sending them back!_


	7. Pointless Interlude of Randomness

Today we're taking a break because requests have slowed. Additionally…. I've decided to start cutting out the commentary from the booths, because well….recent tapes are evidence that we've devolved into caricatures. Techies? Roll tape!

TAPE OF RECENT TAKES

Going on at the same time:

Amy and me: RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY RAMIERRADLEY!

Lexi: RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT!

Miri: HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER! HARRYFREAKINGPOTTER!

Lila: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!

END TAPE

Yeah….. Not very productive. It's a little pathetic. I mean, we're in high school now, with the exception of Amy, who's going to University, which shall be unnamed to protect her privacy. We should know better, but we're acting like a bunch of rabid Muppets. Speaking of Muppets, I saw the movie on Thanksgiving weekend, and I loved it, and it made me request all three seasons of the Muppet Show for Christmas, and I got them, and I love them, and I now keep expecting the Muppets to burst into Masquerade, because I found out Gillian Lynne did the choreography for the Muppet Show before the had her doing stuff for the Really Useful Group, and I currently hate them, because I can't get the 25th Anniversary concert until February, but I still have the 25th anniversary Les Mis, but I sort of hate that too, because of Nick Jonas, but then I got the 10th Anniversary Concert this year for Christmas, and I haven't watched it yet, but I'm gonna, and I bet it's going to be awesome, because it's got Colm Wilkinson and Philip Quast, and Michael Ball and Lea Salonga, and even though I'm not big on Judy Kuhn as Cosette, she's still okay, which gives me hope for being Cosette in a summer drama program this year, even though I just got braces on my bottom teeth, which really hurt and also makes me think that Tara Rueben Casting won't get back to me about auditioning for Cosette, because I missed the actual auditions to go to my cousin's Bar Mitzvah, but I'm not 18 anyway, so I shouldn't have signed up, actually, but I can look like I'm eighteen, so what does it matter, seeing as they said 'the younger the better," right?

Ooh, look, I finally took a break. Yeah, that was all one sentence. And now, I'm going to shut up. Go back to your lives, which I presume are a hell of a lot more interesting than mine, while I sit in an internet-less ski house and write more fanfiction based on Labyrinth and Love Never Dies, and pray no one gets pissed about my having Raoul kill himself in that last chapter… oopsies, spoiler!


	8. Collins, Angel, Firmin and Andre

_Me: Hi! It's just me now. As you may remember from the previous chapter, the commentary from the booth was getting out of control. As such, everyone is currently in quarantine. Anyway, I got an anonymous request to do a chapter involving Mr. Thomas B. Collins. Because I adore Collins, I'm also allowing him his significant other. Now, two Rent characters with only one Phantom character would be no fun, so please welcome, from Paris, Firmin and Andre! Aka, the ambiguously gay duo! Personally, I think it's more of a brotherly affection/solidarity thing. But in any case, it should be interesting. So, without further ado, we resume._

*Angel and Collins wake up first*

Angel: Baby? You remember moving into a rubber room last night?

Collins: *Still half-asleep* Nngggg?

Angel: Wake up!

Collins: *semi-snore* Santa Fe….

Angel: *raps him lightly on the head with drumsticks* Wake up, sleepyhead.

Collins: I'm up, I'm up.

Angel: Do you know who those guys are? *points at Firmin and Andre*

Collins: Nope. But I can already tell I won't like them. They're wearing suits.

Angel: Be the big man I know you are. *le awesome gay groping*

Andre: FIIIIRMIIIN!

Firmin: Not the damn ghost again….

Andre: No, no, not the ghost...look! *points at Collins and Angel*

Firmin: Gyaaaaah!

Collins: See, I told you so.

Angel: Stop bragging.

Andre: *hiding in the gay fear corner*

Firmin: Andre! Get over here! Calm down! Andre!

Collins: You expect me to put up with this?

Angel: Well, we can't really leave, can we?

Collins: Do you see a door?

Angel: No.

Collins: Well, there you go!

Andre: Mamaaaaaan!

Everyone else: *eye roll*

Collins: Just because we happen to be openly gay….

Andre: *big scared eyes*

Angel: Let it go, baby.

Andre: I am not a baby!

Collins: Could've fooled me.

Firmin: *has grown bored and reading his newspaper* Christine got a very good review. We may need to keep go on using her.

Andre: And play right into his hands?

Collins and Angel: *bored and making out in their corner of beauty and acceptance and homosexuality*

Firmin: Whether or not it's playing into his hands, she's good for business! People love her!

Andre: Don't say that around Carlotta! Do you want to die?

Firmin: Er…. no….

Andre: Then shut up!

Angel: Aw, how cute! They could be married if that were legal!

Andre and Firmin: WHAT?

Angel: See? Perfect couple!

Andre: That is just utterly ridiculous—

Firmin:—to even suggest! I'm a married man—

Andre: — For god's sake!

Angel: They even finish each other's sentences!

Collins: I think that's a bit much…

Angel: Aw, honey, stop pouting.

Andre: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

_Me: Sadist that I am, Andre and Firmin were subjected to another full hour of Collins and Angel sucking face and f***ing. After that, they got bored, so I decided to scan them out. Please do send in more pairing requests. If I don't get them, I'll probably take a break from this for a while._


End file.
